im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
