You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
