Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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