she was so not down for the gang bang
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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