So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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