Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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