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chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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