i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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