I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
