So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
