It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
