i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
