Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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