I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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