What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
