His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
