Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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