I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
please come you make the beer taste better
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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