Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
