i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
