I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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