we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
