i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
