I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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