There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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