I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize