last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
