when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
