I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
