Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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