Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
