Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
