god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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