So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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