I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
