Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize