my mouth tastes like poor choices
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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