Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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