Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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