In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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