You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
