Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
