Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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