In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We need to get me chipped asap
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
