I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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