God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
