That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize