Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
