Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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