The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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