Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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