Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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