She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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