I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
