Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
