You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
