True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
