I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
