she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
