Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
