I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
