you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
