how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
