I hate your face
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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