I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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