I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
