I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
