I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
