But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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