Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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