you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
