Nicole vs. Life
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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