tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Farmville is her only friend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Found your dick twin last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
